Linger
by atheart101
Summary: It was a normal day. Maybe that's what made it so extraordinary. Castle reflects on his life with Kate.


**A/N: This story sort of became a precursor to my one-shot Always. I sat down to write their back story and this is what came out. You don't need to read the other story to understand this one, or vice-versa, but some of what I said there shows up here. K, I'm done. Enjoy!**

It was a normal day. Maybe that's what made it so extraordinary.

He was just idly walking through the store, sticking close to the fiction section, where all the murders took place, like he did every time a new book of his was released. It had become a sort of tradition for him, which made it easier to shrug off his mother's chiding remark that it was creepy for him to semi-stalk his own fans. _They're the ones that are supposed to be creepy, Richard,_ she'd told him just this morning._ Fans stalk the celebrity. Not the other way around. Besides, what do you have to be worried about? Your first day always does well._ But they both knew Richard Castle didn't camp out at the bookstores on release day because he was worried. And it definitely wasn't because he stalked his fans. No there was another reason. It didn't matter that there was nowhere else for him to be on these days, because there was nowhere else he'd rather be. And all he knew was her name.

Rick had seen her before, at several of his book releases, though she'd never come for an autograph before. And he could never bring himself to approach her. What would he say? "Can I have your autograph?" There was only part of his brain that chastised himself. _Richard Castle, famous best-selling author can't find the words to say once he approaches a beautiful woman? Richard Castle, afraid of rejection of a fan? Richard Castle, celebrity, can't say hi? _The rest of him was mesmerized by this person. She was stunning, sure. Long legs, tight, fit body, long, dark brown hair, bright green eyes. He'd even seen a flash of a smile. Rick wondered at the laugh that must accompany it from time to time. But there was something more to this woman that drew him in and it was that knowledge that had him seek her out each time he visited the bookstore.

She normally came in with another woman, and by age difference and looks, Rick guessed it to be her mother. The two were a sight to see, skimming bookshelves, reading book jackets together, nodding or shaking their heads in unison. There was this one time he remembered seeing them curl up on opposing couches, books in hand, and Rick watched as they began reading. After a few minutes they swapped books on some silent cue and started their process over. His heart skipped a beat when he saw his book in the younger woman's hand. She passed it to her mother with a smile. It made it to the stack they took home.

He remembered the next time he saw her, too. It was a year later. She came with her mom again and they both went immediately to his shelf, pulling off copy after copy of his books, giggling like little schoolgirls. They immediately nestled up in their respective couches and each took a book. Rick kept his distance, hiding behind a nearby bookshelf, but he couldn't bring himself to leave them completely. There was just something about that younger woman. A few minutes later, Rick heard the older woman say, "Katie, take a look at this one. I think you'll like it better."

He heard Katie's soft reply, "I was just about to offer you this one anyway, Mom. It's got a law feature to it."

"Right, because I want to take my work home with me."

"It's better than taking home the real thing," came Katie's quick reply. Rick could almost picture the teasing smile that would match the lightness in her words. "Seems like this guy does his research anyway, who knows, he might inspire you."

"Katherine Beckett, I never…" But the mother succumbed to laughter, following her daughter's lead. "I think you've read enough of this man," she finally gasped out after their fit subsided.

"You started it," Katie shot back, laughter still bubbling over. "But wait till I tell Dad that he isn't the one who helps you break your cases anymore."

"That's it!" Her mother exclaimed, "Just for that, you only get to take one book home today. Then it's back to college for you, young lady."

He watched the two women walk away, arms wrapped around each other, still laughing about the private joke he'd overheard. He shook his head, a smile playing at his lips, though he'd never understand why his book being an inspiration would be a bad thing.

The third time he saw her, Rick Castle hardly recognized her. It was a few years later and while he was an established author, he still roamed the bookcases on release day in hopes of seeing her. Katherine Beckett. But when he did he almost passed her by. Everything about her had changed. Gone were her long, flowing locks, in its place was a short bob cut that defined her jawline, making her more severe rather than the soft, warm college student he remembered. He supposed she had graduated by now, but what caused the drastic change? But it wasn't just the haircut that startled him. Her entire demeanor had changed. She stood rigid like she felt she might break any minute. The light had left her green eyes. Rick wondered where her mother was.

"Katie?" A man's voice called to her.

"I'm here, Dad," she answered. She was standing in front of his new book's display.

"Come away, sweetheart," her father said, gently pulling her from his books.

"I want to read it." Her voice was dead, expressionless. "We always read his books together."

Her father sighed, then nodded. Apparently he wasn't going to argue anymore. He picked up Rick's book and looked at his daughter. "Alright, Katie. Come one." He started off, but Katie stayed behind a moment longer. She ran a finger down one of the book's spines, then started off after her dad. They left the bookstore together. There was no giggling or embraces, no smiles, no inside joke. What had happened to her mother?

Richard Castle found himself still asking himself the same question when he saw her approach him a week later. He was still sitting at the table, a pen in hand, and she was still just another fan in line waiting for his autograph. At least, that's what the scene described. But to Rick, the world had suddenly stopped. He was meeting this woman for the first time. And for the first time he really got a good look at her. But all he could see of Katherine Beckett was her eyes. Those sad green eyes that seemed to say so much. There was the heartbreak of a tragic loss, the grief, the depression, the darkness. But he could also see the resolve in her eyes. She knew she was strong; she had to be or it would engulf her. Rick still didn't know what _it_ was, but he hoped it had nothing to do with her mother's absence. And yet there was more. There was a pleading in her eyes for him to make it better.

Or maybe that was just his own hope talking. He didn't know this woman, he only knew what he'd observed of her over the years. Hell, everything he thought he'd seen in her eyes was probably just his knight in shining armor complex rearing its head. But all Richard Castle knew was that he had one gift: a way with words. And was going to use it.

Rick suddenly realized that Katie was holding out his latest book to him. He took it. "Hi," he said. And then mentally cringed. _Really? That's the best you can do?_

"Hi," she answered back shyly. Rick smiled. If there was one thing he could appreciate about this night, it would be this woman: the calm in the storm of squealing fans.

"To whom do I have the pleasure of making this out?"

"My name's Kate." And that was it. No, _and I'm such a big fan, Mr. Castle_ or anything. No flamboyance, no flirtation. She truly was a godsend. But Rick also realized something else. She was no longer Katie. He dipped is pen to the paper and prayed it came out right.

_To Kate_

"_Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you."_

_It was said once that the eyes are mirrors of the soul. I hope you remember one day just how bright your soul can shine._

_Richard Castle_

Normally, Rick closed the book and proceeded on with the next fan, but with Kate he wanted to see her reaction. So he just flipped the book around and watched her. Kate's hand found her mouth as she tried to stifle a gasp. It took her a few moments to gather herself, but when she looked back into Rick's eyes he knew he'd said the right things. A small part of him relaxed in knowing he had helped even just a little bit.

"Thank you," she whispered. And in her eyes he saw just how much she meant it.

"You're welcome," he replied. And then she was gone.

It was years later, a whole book series come and gone, when he saw her once again. Upon reflection, he thought it fitting they should meet at another book signing. Though, of course, this one was much larger than the last one. And on a boat. He probably could have handled it better, too.

"Mr. Castle?" She asked, standing behind him. He didn't place her voice.

"Where would you like it?" He asked, swinging around, pen in hand. He stopped short when he realized who it was. Kate still had the short haircut, but her eyes no longer held the overwhelming sadness from before. Not at the surface anyway. No, all he could see was steel. And it wasn't just her eyes that told him she wasn't impressed by cocky display of, well, everything. He couldn't blame her. Rick wasn't such a big fan of the party his publisher had decided to throw. Gina and her publicity stunts. Rick knew it was one of the reasons he'd decided to kill off his main character. He was just bored with everything. He wanted something new, something unexpected in his life. Rick brought his mind back to the woman in front of him. Well this was certainly unexpected. He thought he'd never see her again. And every time he did she changed. It was like she was a mystery he would never be able to solve. He soon found out this time would be no different.

She held up her badge. "Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD. We need to ask you a few questions about a murder that took place earlier tonight."

_A cop? Scratch that_, Rick thought_, the day may be normal, but it's not our meeting that made it extraordinary, but the woman herself. _He knew then and there that he had to know this woman, no matter what the cost.

"So you see, Kate? I remember all the days we met. The ones you weren't aware of, the one you thought I was unaware of, and the one we both remember so well. It was the beginning of the end, wasn't it?" He stroked her hair as he thought about what he needed to say next. She had grown it out again, after he started shadowing her for research for his next book. It wasn't until years later that he learned it was another sign of her healing. Healing he'd brought on. "I remember everything. And you know what? I think Mother was right all those years ago. I may not have gone to the bookstore to stalk my fans, but now that I've told you this I kind of feel like I used to stalk you. You know, maybe that's why you're always hyperaware whenever I watch you work. And while I hold true to my reasons, I understand now. It is kind of creepy."

Rick smiled and gazed at the white walls of the hospital room around him, his mind faintly registering the beeps of the monitor beside her, imagining her response.

_Kind of creepy, Castle? You watch me do paperwork, for God's sake._

_What can I say, Detective, I—_

_Nothing, Castle, there is absolutely nothing you can say to that. Not all your vast arsenal of rapier wit could make you watching me work any less creepy._

_Not even 'I love you'?_

_Especially not 'I love you.' _ There would be a pause in which she still wouldn't look up from her paperwork. _Stop pouting, Castle._

_But 'I love you' always works._

_Which is why you can't say it. _She'd look up then, eyes sparking like they did when her mother was still alive. _Because those words tend to make everything better._

Rick looked back down at his partner, his best friend, his wife. "I remember the day I wheedled my way into shadowing you so that my creepiness would at least have a legal label on it. I just couldn't get enough of you. Even before I met you, you made me want to grow up, face reality, do something important with my life." Rick smiled, wishing she were awake so she could roll her eyes at him for what he was about to say. "So how could I not base my next book series on you? Granted, it's you that made it into a series. I was just planning on one book. But what can I say? You're extraordinary."

_Don't say it,_ he could almost hear her silent warning. But he said it anyway, earning another imaginary eye roll. Only this time, he'd catch the slight turn of her mouth and the smile she'd try to hide.

"I choose my muses well." But Rick let the lightness go as he continued on with his story, getting to the point. "But it's not just our meetings that I remember. It's everything, Kate. I remember all our cases, how we built theory together, finishing each other's sentences, leaving others in the dust as we found the connection together. I remember how for a few years timing never seemed to be right for us. I remember you pushing me away after I opened your mother's case behind your back and found a lead. I remember you letting me back in. I never told you how much that meant to me, your forgiveness.

"I remember my miserable summer in the Hamptons when I left to try and let you go so you could be with Demming. Except you broke it off and tried to tell me. I remember coming home to find you with Motorcycle Boy. Excuse me," he corrected with a smile, "_Doctor_ Motorcycle Boy. I tried to move on, too, but I always came back to you.

"I remember the first time I told you 'Always.' It was when we caught a second break in your mom's case. I meant 'I love you,' but it was too soon for you to know. I remember the first time you told me 'Always' back. I wanted to kiss you right then and there, but I couldn't. I'd forgotten how to breathe.

"I remember the night I finally got you to confess that you were a fan of my work. I just never expected the story to be so incredible. To this day I still don't understand how my words could have been what helped you through your mom's death, but I am honored. My words brought you two together in a new way and then remained when she left." Rick couldn't help but let his mind finish what his mouth couldn't say, _And my words then brought us together. But if you leave, will they remain?_ He knew she'd hit him if he voiced them, if she thought he was giving up, so he just continued.

"I remember when we solved your mom's case, your recklessness, our fight, our revelations. It sucked, but it brought us together. It wasn't long after that I told you I loved you for real. But I still love the smile you give me when I tell you 'Always' best.

"There are so many things I remember, Kate. Our first night together, you moving into the loft, my proposal and your acceptance. Our wedding. All our memories take my breath away. The good and the bad. But there are some things I wish I didn't remember. Our fights, all the press threatening to tear us apart, that time you wanted to kill me when I took a bullet for you. We've been through so much, Kate, and sometimes I don't know how we made it. And then I look at you and remember. _'Experience isn't about what happens to you, it's about what you do with what happens to you.'_ You took the experience of your mother's death and did something about it. You became a cop. You, Katherine Beckett-Castle, are the best experience I have ever had. Or ever will have. Always. I hope I do you justice.

"But I remember what you said that day, what you told me as you laid there on the pavement, the blood slipping past my fingers. I remember. And I believe you. But that doesn't make this any easier, Katie." His voice broke and tears slipped down his face. "It doesn't help that the man who shot you is behind bars. It doesn't help that we got the guy. And I know you understand because even though we got the man who ordered the hit on your mother, she's still gone. And so are you. You aren't coming back. And it's not fair that you're the one who has to die, that I'm the one who has to pull the plug on you. Because I don't want to give up. I want you here with me. Always. But I love you. And it's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you. And if you can't be with me, then you should be with your mom. It won't be enough, but I can live with the memories. At least we finally got to make them, right?"

Castle wiped at the tears before he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Do you know what I remember most about our life together?" He whispered into her ear. "The day the light returned to your eyes. The true light, the one that said you were healing, that your mother's memory was beginning to be enough. It wasn't long after that you told me 'Always.' It's the light in your eyes that I'll miss the most, Kate. Not your strength, your heart, or," he said with a smile, "Your hotness." Rick kissed her temple again. "You are my life, my everything. Maybe someday I'll be able to take my words to heart and remember just how bright a soul can shine. Maybe that day will be the day when your memory will be enough for me."

Rick reached over and pressed the button to the ventilator as the nurse had taught him to do before he entered the room. "I love you, Kate. Always." He turned the machine off before her heartbeat stopped so he wouldn't have to hear the noise. But still he lingered, unwilling to let go. So Rick sat back down in his chair, held her hand, and watched her as he'd always done. He wasn't a religious man, but he hoped this one prayer out of the thousands he'd sent up these last two months would reach God. All he wanted was for her to wake up. Her final words echoed in his head…

"_In the pages of your books, I'll be there. In the lyrics of our favorite songs, I'll be there. Everywhere you go that we've been together, I'll be there. I promise."_

_The tears spilled over as they sealed her promise with a kiss. "Always?" He asked._

"_Always."_


End file.
